I’m writing this (hopefully) short post as I know next week I will be writing all about my weekend and will no doubt have had an amazing time….and the fear I feel now will be forgotten. I wanted to document it, to hopefully help others or at the very least ,help myself, when I hit this block again.
Feeling the fear and doing it anyway…..this is what keeps coming to mind my mind when preparing for my weekend retreat.
I booked this retreat completely spur of the moment. We had some surprise money (that never happens!) and I knew if I didn’t do this for myself now, then I never would. I had a desperate craving to just be alone. I honestly can’t remember when I last did that. Sure, Dan and I have had a couple breaks away and it was amazing, but I really needed some time alone. I have seriously neglected my spirituality the last few years and the call to shamanism was getting stronger.
The closer this weekend has came the more the doubt has crept in.
Truth be told I am scared! I have an internal war going on inside me. The fight between the scared inner child and the wise mother. (I have done some inner child work before and it’s something I need to make more time for, and she seems particularly demanding!)
I am a huge introvert, coupled with a generous helping of social anxiety, you can imagine there are a number of problems this bring up for me.
Two of my least favourite things will definitely be happening, group work and shared meals, lol!! If I go to hell (fingers crossed I don’t) I’m pretty sure it would consist of these two things, ha!
I always manage to find the most awkward thing to say and do. Honestly it’s a joke. I’m sure I’ll have something hilarious to share with you when I get back….
The drive up there is worrying me too with the impending snow warnings.
The cost. I feel incredibly selfish and guilty spending the money on myself. I could take us away for the weekend or buy festival tickets! Dan is really supportive of me going away (he goes away one weekend every month, so he bloody well should be, lol!!) so he wouldn’t let me do this anyway.
Also I am aware that undertaking any kind of spiritual ‘work’ is always tiring. It brings up stuff that needs to be cleansed. I will not be surprised if I have a really bad cold/flu symptoms next week as I work through this.
My inner child is kicking up a right fuss! She is scared and she doesn’t want to go.
The wise mother inside me knows what is best (most of the time)
I know I need to do this.
It is so hard being a mother. Nothing can ever prepare you for how amazing and magical it can be, but also how physically demanding and soul destroying it can also be. It does wear you down. I need to do this for myself. To feel revived.
Just now, I have sat down to write this and no exaggeration I have had to get up at least 6 times in the last 10 minutes for demands placed on me. It’s hard to hold a thought without being interrupted never mind write a blog post!
I need this to feed my soul and enliven my spirit. Which is why I am making myself do this…
I will meditate this evening before I go to sleep. I will set my intentions for this retreat, I’m not even sure what they are at this point.
I will also give the frightened child within me assurances that her needs will be met, whatever they are.
I’m going into this 40% anxious 30% scared and 30% overwhelming excitement at some time alone.
Also I will definitely be taking lots of biscuits and tea incase I skip mealtimes 😂
Wish me luck!!
Until next time,
Love Amy x
Images from Google